A new way of thinking

Do you have a song that reminds you or someone or something you don't wanna remember. And even though you love the song, you hate it because of that person or thing.

I have this song that I love. But unfortunately it was mine and my ex's "song" I really don't know why, I think it was just because it was one of the first song's we heard together while hanging out and we both knew. Dumb anyway, don't wanna talk to much about that.

I heard this song today while I was tanning. After listening to it for a min I started to think of a different memory, then what I would originally think of when I heard it. And one much more appropriate it seems.

I don't talk about this a lot to anyone. I've mentioned it once on the blog a long time ago. But I find it easier to write about then talk about.

I was in a really abusive relationship before Alex. I've said it before and I'll say it again. The physical abuse was bad. But honestly I would take it any day over what I had to go through mentally. When I was with him I was torn down so bad I wasn't myself anymore. I lost all of my friends and I didn't talk to my family.

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

Today after I heard this song, I didn't think about him. I thought about me. I thought about all of my friends and family that forgave me. And I thought about Alex.

Even after we had broke up, it took me a little bit to find myself again. And quite literally right after my transition phase from being a depressed mess, to me again, is when I met Alex. I'm glad I had that time to heal so that I could be completely myself and happy so that Alex and I could have the relationship that we do.

It was kind of a turning point listening to that song and thinking about that transition and how it brought me to where I am today, and who I am.

I know this sound cheesy(and a lot like a rascal flatts song haha) But I am grateful for what I went through in life. Because it shaped me, and most importantly lead me to Alex. I look back and see everything that lead me to him. And really without going through this I don't think I would have met Alex.

I can't say this enough, and I know I don't tell him enough, mostly because I don't quite know how to put my feelings into words, but he is such an amazing man. I can't even descibe the amount of love I have for him. And I love knowing how much he truly loves me. It's quite a feeling. Even being so far apart we really do have such an awesome relationship. Still after every time I talk to him I feel overwhelmed with how much I love him.

I'm glad I can now listen to this song and not feel so much hate.

I'm glad I can now listen to this song and feel sort of at peace.